Plato
MTL: Mai Tu Liao (Don't delay already!) [
Nick
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2:49 AM ]
Hmm... this is actually a term that Bro and I use frequently during mahjong sessions, and well... cos I was losing quite a bit at first... maybe tt's how i started using this phrase... cos i would just try to game with 1 tai or 2... didn't bother to be greedy sia... anyway the mahjong session was good! sit 2 hrs lose 70cents... shiok sia haahaa
had to trouble Dad to give me a life there though... and normally we would have a lot to talk about in his trusty old van... but it was wierdly quiet today sia... wanted to ask him about the rumour abt the laying off of staff but i decided against it in the end... i guess that it's best to let him know tt his kid is also worrying for him... it really won't go down well for him... like he's letting his children worry about him... yeah... but if the worst case scenario really occurs, i guess i'll have to work after school =]but i just want to let him know that no matter what happens he shouldn't blame himself sia... geez... he's looking more and more sullen by the day..
Money's not the world.. but i guess it's still important as well... can't run from this fact at all
Might put my driving lessons on hold, depending on the situation... and i guess there's nothing we can do except wait for the verdict? hmm...
Anyways life's still good =] no matter what is thrown at me, i still can tahan! gotta be the rock for my family and for my friends =] chins up and look forward!
the sun will still rise in the morning no matter what..
not really the time to think of anything else... according to Dad, his job position is pretty shaky... and anything can happen within these 2 mths... oh geez... [
Nick
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12:43 AM ]
nvm! will save, work... if anything happens.. i'll take care of my family as much as i can =]
Some stuff I think I wanna embark on... [
Nick
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11:41 PM ]
1) Always wanted to write a story... maybe i can start... ideas are beginning to pour in from nowhere (must be the influence of the book warehouse)
2) NUS Floorball website... during the fair ppl asked if we had a webpg... quite paiseh that i always say no sia... so with my limited html knowledge... i shall try to do something!
3) run at least 2 times a week... will be difficult after i step down... but heck... i need to seriously improve my stamina... (side pt: AHM anyone?)
4) study. (*evil laughter*)
i keep forgetting... and i'm still forgetting. [
Nick
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10:46 PM ]
lotsa work to do... not enough time... on the verge of collapse... help? [
Nick
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11:27 PM ]
desperately need something/someone to hug. *looks around*
blergh.
talking to Sean can be a really depressing experience... but what we talk about makes lots of sense... though depressing... think we just paint a really realistic picture about what's happening around us... haiz. [
Nick
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2:41 AM ]
Nick.. you're a guy. Why so timid?! Why so brainless?! Why are you so scared.. [
Nick
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6:46 PM ]
well... an off day tmr... but still gotta sleep early thanks to the watch thing i'm wearing... just realised that my appt to remove it is on fri... but i'll have to remove it tmr cos i'm leaving for KL with the floorball peeps on fri morn... sorta looking forward... too bad Ed's not gg, so I guess i should be stuck with Shouye pretty often... unless he decides to cheehong Aida again =P [
Nick
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10:15 PM ]
anyways... had a pretty in depth chat with Bro few days ago... and it really made me reflect about stuff... shall try to use this sub-conscious state(just took a refreshing bath) to think about it... write it down and make sure i'm following...
first things first... the discussion came about cos i told Bro that somehow i don't feel like the old me... and i'm not really sure i like this new me or now... and thus opened the floodgates...well.. he commented that i'm too nice to members of the opposite gender(and i was like... am i?!) and that i should check my behaviour... as in my actions... not that i disagree... but it's just that it comes naturally and i don't normally think about what happens after... so in a way i can't be blamed right? but i guess i have certain reservations when it comes to people of the opposite gender... i still feel uncomfortable when on the slightest contact with another person..dunno why it sorta freaks me out... blergh...
anyways... i also believe that sending a girl home(yeah we touched on that as well) is a way of thanking the girl for her company? i guess guys can't see it as a duty.. it's more of saying thanks for the time spent and also i guess i'll feel safer knowing my "date" is safely at home... not that Singapore is a dangerous place... i dunno... probably it's just me ba... i'll just feel uneasy... i don't think that's being nice lor... it's more like something a guy, being a guy, should show at the end of the day...
of course we won't go to extremes like standing up when the girl has to excuse herself from the table for a bit.. tt's a bit too extreme... and a little weird..
but yah... i don't treat anyone and everyone this way... and my actions are really obvious haahaa... but yeah... there's some things that is the minimum really...
but there's really one thing i uphold... Never, ever, shout at a girl... yes... an argument may be heated... but what's the use of being heated as well? and pls lah... girls are emotional creatures(oops)... raising one's voice doesn't justify that you're right... only goes to show what kind of person one is... we have 2 ears and only 1 mouth.. listen twice as hard as you speak... and obviously the brain is the largest part in the head... so think about what you say... cos words can really hurt...
And people who beat their girlfriends/wives ought to be shot.
But sometimes i feel that the way i love/like someone... it tends to become a bit suffocating... but i will really need advice on that... anyone who reads this and has a thought on how to help me... just mail me... (boeytahan@hotmail.com) haahaa... tt's one of the biggest flaws i have i suppose...
anyways... here comes the narcissistic part... about myself... somehow i feel that i've mellowed down quite a bit... yes i can still go crazy... but i find myself more serious about stuff now... when i can let my hair down and just go crazy, it feels like a super good release from the tension... i have to face it... my family is just making ends meet(although sometimes i wonder about that considering how my Dad and mum spends haahaa)... and i know that if i want to live in more comfort in the future, and not let whoever's unlucky enough to be with me suffer with me as well... i guess i gotta really think about where i wanna go..
Finally decided to major in Communications and New Media... a course something like NTU's mass comm... realised that history has lost all meaning to me after 2 semesters in school... and i need something more alive... CNM seems to fit the bill... and i guess it has allowed me to dream a bit... haahaa... won't hurt anyway..
1) Take some SOC modules on network integration and design
2) Internships, internships, internships... to know the job market better
3) Try to get good grades (aiming for a 4 every sem from now)
4) Graduate with at least 2nd lower hons
5) work work work... repay loans etc etc (side pt: woohoo housing rules are relaxed! now only 5% downpayment in cash... how cool! if i'm like single then... i have jio-ed Sharkie to set up a bachelors' pad sia!)
6) probably start a small design/events company online? (final target: design cars... woooo)
7) make it big, retire early to enjoy life... i would really want that...
seems far-fetched eh?
just hope that all goes well... but at the same time while going after material wealth... i gotta take care of my spiritual, emotional and mental self... somehow i feel i'm degrading... like i've become more sullen, less confident about myself, and definitely getting fewer and fewer good vibes abt myself nowadays... i really reall really feel there's nothing to be proud about myself for... i have always been a follower, never a leader... and when given the reins, most of the time i would screw it up... i think i procrastinate too much as well... it's a freaking bad habit that i HAVE to change... and i have to get my priorities straight... definitely... been filled with too many activities for the past year that i felt suffocated at one point... it's getting better... getting used to this freedom of not really doing anything... or is it? hmm...
one thing i don't like about myself nowadays is that i get really affected by stuff that didn't bug me at all... i have always thought of myself of having a really even temper... but i guess time in the MC has changed it? encounters with You-Know-Who have only resulted with me seething and wanting to rip his guts out... i used to be more tolerant... where's that old me? i used to be less depressed as well... but somehow i cannot help but feel that's something missing within me... i need to find that old me who used to be happy about almost everything? and happy go lucky even when things go wrong... willing to stand out for the rest when things don't look good... sacrificing myself for others... basically i lived my life for others... and i liked it that way... but now i feel the need to protect myself after so many things that happened? and i feel that it's uncomfortable... i rather think of others before thinking about myself... shall try to revert back to that old me... the old me tt i liked...
Change is only natural... new surroundings, new discoveries... but sometimes do we really have to change ourselves to fit in? Why don't we change others? it's an uphill task, bt i think the world would be a better place without people who lie, people who have hidden agendas and people who are selfish... wouldn't it be nice(if the world was chocolate) if everyone was nice and kind and giving... yeah... a beautiful utopian dream again...
if Bro sees this (he def will) he will cfm tell me that if i do that... i'll be the only one who will get hurt... so circumstances really do have a super big role in shaping a person's personality...
ok... a really long winded entry... but it's been some time since i blogged so much or put down so much thoughts in "writing"... ok time to sleep... nites world
Don't change too much while i'm asleep =]
Accept me for who I am... if you can... I promise to love you forever...
an episode over, at least we're back on the right tracks... [
Nick
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2:44 AM ] well... much has happened in the space of a week... a super rollercoaster... but i guess the ride's over... back to who i was... nothing's changed. [
Nick
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12:57 AM ] had a talk with Bro... got to know some things that I didn't know of.. and it makes me feel how stupid and insensitive i am... i'm so sorry for like putting the blame on you... [
Nick
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12:23 AM ] I think I tend to rush things... and I guess it sorta scares people... *takes a deep breath* [
Nick
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6:39 PM ] It's torture... when 2 people who obviously feel something for each other can't get together due to the circumstances... [
Nick
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4:39 PM ] Comp's down... shall blog about Sports Camp the next time... anyways just wanted to type something cos i just thought about something... [
Nick
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10:21 PM ]
take care yah?
but what's more impt is this innate fear in me... that i'd lose another person dear to me if i continued with my ways... somehow i'm really really scared? so thank goodness this is a lesson learnt for me... at this critical juncture when things are so uncertain (yet certain)... maybe it's God's plan or something...
but i'm glad that this thing has a closure finally... finally i can zip this entire issue up and not feel left hanging in the air anymore... luckily the baggage isn't large... probably just a wallet at max... but i'm glad that it's finally 'over'...
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Relax Nick... take it slow... the results might be better than imagined if you do it this way...
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Why does it always have to be me.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
I'm tired... well physically, mentally and emotionally ba... blergh... but it's the physical fatigue that i'm addressing today... well i'm now working at this book warehouse with Sharkie... and hmm... ok ba... at least I'm earning some money... but it's like... i can't help but feel that even if i work so hard... i'm not enjoying everyday... these few days have been work from 8 till 6, have my dinner then concuss at around 10... really no life sia... do i even have time to enjoy what i have earned?
Is this the kind of life that I want?
No Way.
but for now... for the sake of a more comfy sem 2... i shall bear with it... but it's really not the kind of life that i want...
I just want someone I can go home to.